Ohioans are Fertile

We may have found a reason why Ohioans are so broke. It must be our superior babymaking abilities. A Cincinnati woman just gave birth to her second round of triplets, and naturally at that. So it appears the Lasita family will be going through around 300 diapers a week. Ohioans are taking over, slowly but surely. Soon the country will be overrun by tall, healthy looking, though slightly beer-gutted, friendly people. Look out New York. We're coming and we have chicken wings.

And to explain the Andy Dick photo, it seems he was visiting the Columbus Funnybone this week and decided to engage in some watersports. The comedian was so drunk he was incoherent on stage and then proceeded to grope audience members as only he finds endearing. After peeing on the Funnybone's floor, he wandered off to Axis, a gay nightclub in downtown Columbus. Once again he decided to pee, this time al fresco, but was busted by a cop. He will pay a fine of $126, though we all wish he'd simply be banned from the city. But seriously folks, this guy screams class. Class.

Ohioans are Broke

A new study blazoned across the front page of the Columbus Dispatch yesterday has affirmed what I have long known about myself: Ohioans are broke. Well, at least Cincinnati and Cleveland's residents are. Both cities are in the top five poorest big cities in the nation. Though everyone was quick to note that Cleveland did fall to fourth from first in the last two years. While Ohio's poverty rate is 13%, Cincinnati rated at 27.8% and Cleveland at 27%. But in smaller cities, Dayton clocked in at 28.8% and Youngstown at 30.5%, affirming a lot of preconceived notions about both places (no offense, just stating the truth).
So we're broke. At least our poverty rates are dropping, at least in Cleveland's case. I still have a lot of personal issues with the city, having once been abandoned by my speech team there and also dumped by my first serious relationship for a Parma girl. But then again, anyone who wants to dispute the greatness of C-Town can merely look to the Cleveland episode of 30 Rock. It smells all right, the people are friendlier, and no one's judging your body as it is ranked 25th fattest in the nation. Can't be that bad.

In other news, Karen Holbrook is determined to make sure absolutely no one in Ohio likes her. Interviewing for another school, she discussed her students at Ohio State as having "a culture of rioting." Further, she said that she never personally saw game day behavior, preferring to brunch while someone else videotaped it for her. Holbrook described it as "absolute drunken orgies" with people dead drunk by 8 am "doing disgusting things, unbelievable things."
Madame Holbrook, have you ever seen a frat party? This is nothing new to any college campus across the country. Okay, the riots were madness, but they were certainly not the norm. And most of the rioters were college alumni, not students. As for being drunk by 8 am, it's called Kegs and Eggs around here. And yes, it is revolting as well as gastrointestinally dangerous. But a short stroll along your own campus would have alerted you to the fact that several bars in the area host such events; it is nothing new.
College kids drink too much everywhere. Maybe OSU has raised it to an art form, but the riots are years behind us. And who would want to hire a president that talks smack about her former school? Karen, Karen... I wanted to like you once. But these insults, they hurt.

And We Thought We Were Safe

So since global warming became an issue, everyone I've talked to has said that at least we live in Ohio. Here in Ohio, we won't crack off into the ocean and the heat isn't intolerable. Hell, when New York sinks into the Atlantic, maybe we'll have some nice coastal real estate.

Instead, we've been hit by some of the worst flooding and storms for a century. And this time, southern Ohio got a break for once. Nine counties in northern Ohio are virtually floating away on the flood waters. Living in Columbus has been soggy, but we live on a hill and are mostly safe from the tempest. We have had a few twisters spotted, in Upper Arlington of all places.

And to add to the mess, the weather has been unbearably hot lately. Dozens of schools cancelled or ended class early this week due to the fact that the heat index within the buildings was over a hundred degrees. Even city buses have air conditioning.

This weather is getting crazy everywhere, even in the heart of it all. Maybe we should get on those Columbus streetcars soon, before our car exhaust turns the city into a fishbowl.

The Ohio Blog Is Back

After a long hiatus, the Ohio blog is back with a new collaborator. Tom, my good friend and fellow Ohioan, has moved to New York and will take up an expatriate (exstatriate?) position and I will take over as lead writer. You may call me... Pinto Bean.
I will admit I was not born in Ohio. I'm from Albuquerque, NM and when I first moved here I was shocked at the way these Midwesterners behave. Having lived in Philadelphia, San Francisco and San Antonio, I couldn't get over how damn friendly everyone is. Every Ohioan has a smile and a bad joke for you (I still believe the phrase "Is it hot enough for ya'?" should become the new state motto). It's a place where one could be in the middle of the city one minute and thirty later, find themselves in apple orchards. And after a good 12 years living in Columbus, I feel I have finally taken on part of the culture. After all, I do like chicken wings a lot now. And I received my degree from Ohio State University this past June, making me an official Buckeye. So I am honored to have been chosen by Tom to continue the blog, reporting and commenting on the things that make this state unique. Check up soon for new postings from the adopted Ohioan's perspective.

P.S. It is total bullshit that the Simpsons chose Vermont to be the setting for Springfield. No way people from Vermont could possibly even look like a Groening character. People of Springfield, Ohio I urge you to take this to the Supreme Court if necessary. Viva Ohio!

Yes Already, It's THE Biggest Game EVER

What a perfect fucking storm.

Michigan is about to get the shit kicked out of them in the wildest baptism of chaos Ohio has ever seen. Columbus is alight with the amplified anticipation of the two best college football teams in the world, who have spent the last 100 years hating each others guts, finally getting a chance to step it up for a 50/50 chance to say, "You know what? Fuck you. No seriously, FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE GOD DAMN LIFE." Only on a football field. Yeah. It's on like that.

Wanna know how crazy this shit is going to be? Game day in Columbus is like fucking Mardi Gras. Every. Single. Game. High Street even has specific instructions for "Football Days" posted on the same signs that inform you of street sweeping and bus stops. No shit. Add to that the fact that the biggest game of every season is always the Michigan game. This one game is such an instituation, there's even a punk band called the "Dead Schembechlers" who only plays the night before said game, yet they've been around since 1990. I'm not making this up.

Now let's up the anty even more. Both teams are going into this game undefeated (which hasn't happened since Richard Nixon was fucking president), each one just peeing their pants waiting for the chance to show the other how much better than they are than the other team.

What, that's not sounding like enough lunacy, you goddamn demolision derby freak? Get this: Ohio State and Michigan are ranked 1 and 2 respectively. This has never happened before. Columbus isn't sure whether to prepare for a riot, a parade, a tornado, or a nuclear fucking holocost. But we're not afraid to die. This is the biggest thing that's ever happened in American sports. Ever!


The whole state of Michigan is looking down in hatred, wishing the fucking game was in Ann Arbor. But it's not. It's in Columbus damit. Columbus! And we're ready to burn every car and truck with Michigan plates from here to fucking Toledo. EAT MY POSIONOUS NUTS YOU GODDAMN MITTEN SHAPED STATE!

This is so fucking nuts, the former Michigan coach had a god damn heart attack while talking about the game. That's how pumped he was. If Bo Shembechler (now dead) could come back for a last sentence, I'm sure he would say, "Enjoy the game you lucking non-dead bastards!" So yeah. Enjoy. I know I will.

Bill Watterson: Ohio's own J.D. Salinger

Remember Calvin & Hobbes? A lot of people must, as the Calvin & Hobbes collections (the only officially licensed merchandize you can still buy - sorry Ford/Chevy truck decals) are consistently somewhere on the New York Times best-seller list.

The man behind Calvin & Hobbes is Bill Watterson who, as his comic unequivicolly proves, is a genius. Who else could single-handedly write and draw a comic so original, beautiful, thought provoking, and oh yeah, funny? No one. Duh, that's why he's a genius.

Not only that, no one else in popular culture history has been able to play the game, break all the rules, and quit at the height of their fame all while flat out refusing to sell out (the only possible exception being The KLF). While Peanuts characters hawk everything from life insurance to amusement parks, and Garfield can be found everywhere from stuffed dolls to boxer shorts, Watterson's characters can only be found in one place: his comics.

On top of all these wonderful things, Bill Waterson is also apparently a lifetime Ohioan. He grew up and still lives in Chagrin Falls, a suburb of Cleveland, and even attended Kenyon College. Who knew? He's also reclusive, so if you Chagrin Falls people run into him, don't say anything. Just smile and remember how awesome he is (and Ohio by association).

GOP = Getting Ohioans Pissed

Ah, sweet, delicious schadenfreude.