Dr. Matato saves Ohio from terrorism

Those of you that work for government agencies know that the people who work for government agencies love two things: forms and acronyms. Government agency workers think about acronyms and forms roughly the same way Whitney Houston thinks about crack cocaine.

If you don't believe me, just walk into any government agency building. Before you even open your mouth you'll be bombarded with at least 29 confusing forms that have 432 meaningless acronyms plastered all over them. It's what makes this country great, and it's more American than a cheese burger baked in an apple pie, covered in gasoline, and shoved up George W. Bush's ass.

So now, thanks to the Ohio Department of Homeland Security (formerly the Ohio Department of Strip Mall Security), anyone who decides they want to work for a state-funded institution has to fill out the ultimate government agency worker's wet dream:

The DMA Form.

What's a DMA form, you ask? Why it's a "Declaration Regarding Material Assistance to a Terrorist Organization" form, of course. Not The DRMATATO Form. The DMA Form. Duh.

Setting aside the shear lunacy of having to assure the State of Ohio that you're not a terrorist by filling out a fucking form, isn't the acronym "DMA" so blatantly obvious it just rocks your face off with it's own blatantly obvious meaning? I mean, what else could DMA stand for but 8 goddamn words, half of which don't even start with the letters D, M, or even A?

If you're still convinced that it should technically be "The DRMATATO Form", then ask yourself this simple question: who is this Dr. Matato and why the hell does he care if Ohio funds terrorism? Whoever he is, I for one will sleep a lot better at night knowing that the next time I think, "Holy shit we're all gonna die" my very next thought might be, "Good thing no one can sue Ohio over this."

What’s so special about Ohio?

Welcome to the Ohio Blog, a blog about a state that is equal parts urban and rural, liberal and conservative, completely sane and mentally deranged. At one time in history, Ohio meant a frontier; later, Ohio meant an industrial juggernaut; today, Ohio means... wait, Ohio or Iowa?

So outside of political debate stemming from the 2004 Presidential Election, maybe you’ve never thought about Ohio (or Iowa for that matter). It’s possible.

But what about Cleveland?
(Rock Hall of Fame, Major League 1 and 2, Drew Carey)
Cleveland = runt version of Chicago; this once great testament to urban living is now dwarfed by its suburbs.

What about Cincinnati?
(WKRP, Pete Rose)
Corporate greed and white flight have turned this city into a dull, racially-divided wasteland that might as well just join up with Kentucky and get it over with.

Columbus?
(Ohio State football, state capitol...really? I always thought it was Cleveland)
Few people have even heard of this Ohio city even though it’s now the largest and most criminally insane.

Toledo?
(“Holy Toledo!”)
An auto industry minion of Detroit that faired only slightly better than Flint, Michigan.

The fact is, Ohio is definitely greater than the sum of its parts, and the people who live here and love here make it worth it.