Yes Already, It's THE Biggest Game EVER

What a perfect fucking storm.

Michigan is about to get the shit kicked out of them in the wildest baptism of chaos Ohio has ever seen. Columbus is alight with the amplified anticipation of the two best college football teams in the world, who have spent the last 100 years hating each others guts, finally getting a chance to step it up for a 50/50 chance to say, "You know what? Fuck you. No seriously, FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHOLE GOD DAMN LIFE." Only on a football field. Yeah. It's on like that.

Wanna know how crazy this shit is going to be? Game day in Columbus is like fucking Mardi Gras. Every. Single. Game. High Street even has specific instructions for "Football Days" posted on the same signs that inform you of street sweeping and bus stops. No shit. Add to that the fact that the biggest game of every season is always the Michigan game. This one game is such an instituation, there's even a punk band called the "Dead Schembechlers" who only plays the night before said game, yet they've been around since 1990. I'm not making this up.

Now let's up the anty even more. Both teams are going into this game undefeated (which hasn't happened since Richard Nixon was fucking president), each one just peeing their pants waiting for the chance to show the other how much better than they are than the other team.

What, that's not sounding like enough lunacy, you goddamn demolision derby freak? Get this: Ohio State and Michigan are ranked 1 and 2 respectively. This has never happened before. Columbus isn't sure whether to prepare for a riot, a parade, a tornado, or a nuclear fucking holocost. But we're not afraid to die. This is the biggest thing that's ever happened in American sports. Ever!


The whole state of Michigan is looking down in hatred, wishing the fucking game was in Ann Arbor. But it's not. It's in Columbus damit. Columbus! And we're ready to burn every car and truck with Michigan plates from here to fucking Toledo. EAT MY POSIONOUS NUTS YOU GODDAMN MITTEN SHAPED STATE!

This is so fucking nuts, the former Michigan coach had a god damn heart attack while talking about the game. That's how pumped he was. If Bo Shembechler (now dead) could come back for a last sentence, I'm sure he would say, "Enjoy the game you lucking non-dead bastards!" So yeah. Enjoy. I know I will.