Ohio, is it too late?

Happy Friday everyone. And now for your listening pleasure, some guy wigging out at a local NBC station in Savannah, Georgia with his fly open:

Parma: Ohio's Mega Suburb 5000

With well over 80,000 residents, Parma is easily the largest suburb of Cleveland and, thanks to the likes of Drew Carey and members of the Ghouliardi fan club, probably the most famous.

Ant's eye view of a typical Parma resident

Like New York City's Levittown, Parma benefited greatly from a massive in-flux of young families after World War II. In Cleveland, Parma residents are understood to be working class old Polish guys who wear white socks and black shoes while watering their plastic pink flamingo covered lawns. With its maze-like cul-de-sacs, non-existent racial diversity, and ancient shopping mall (the aptly named "Parmatown") it's a template for American suburban living, for better or worse. The city is so densely packed with residential streets that there's even a road called "Amrap": Parma spelled backwards.

So why should you care? If you lived in the eastern United States or Ontario during 2003, this little suburb had a very profound effect on your day-to-day life when a cluster fuck at one of its generating plants caused this:

Thanks Parma!

Having grown up in Parma, this really didn't really surprise me at all considering Parma residents probably didn't realize that their little blackout extended into Cleveland, let alone a decent chunk of the North American continent. Why? Because Parma people never leave friggin' Parma!

But hey, that's Parma for ya. Stay sick.

Ohio Capitol, White Trash Capitol

Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you the world's worst tattoo, as seen in a UDF on Indianola Avenue:

COTA = Car-Only Town Assholes!

The Feds recently killed what little hope there was of Columbus ever having a commuter rail system, an action that effectively ensures that Columbus will stay a car-only town until the coming of the four horsemen.

It's kind of a sad state of affairs for COTA, an organization that's trying so hard to provide mass transit in a state where cars outnumber people. Columbus already ranks dead last in availability of public transit, and once Phoenix opens their light rail project in 2008, Columbus will be the largest city in the country without an urban rail system. Even Morgantown, West Virginia has a goddamn people mover:

Apparently someone left their microfridge on the Disney World monorail

You can't really fault the folks at COTA; afterall, they're grossly underfunded - a fact they're none too shy about relaying to the general public. From their website's FAQ:

Q: Why doesn't COTA provide 24-hour service?
A: With a modest 0.25 percent sales tax, COTA does not currently have the resources to implement 24-hour service.

In case you missed the subtlety, let me rephrase the answer in more vernacular terms:

Q: Why doesn't COTA provide 24-hour service?
A: Fuck you.

On a brighter note, a fact they haven't relayed much to the general public is that they're powering their bus fleet on 90% bio diesel, which is pretty freaking awesome.

So in conclusion, the next time a tax levy comes on the ballot for more COTA funding, please vote yes. Also, try to avoid asking yourself the same goddamn question that I'm sure the majority of Columbus residents will probably be asking themselves:

"If God wanted us to take the bus, why'd Jesus give us Hummers?"